Time for an update. It’s been a long time, but this last month has done me in. Where to start….
My boyfriend broke up with me on July 2nd because we just aren’t happy right now. This genuinely sucks as I can’t handle abandonment very well as a Borderline, so I’ve naturally been flipping out. But only on the inside because flipping out on the outside is unacceptable to me. Inside I am screaming and crying like a 3-year-old who lost her doll, but on the outside, it is covered up with sarcasm and jokes and laughter. Shit sucks.
My friend passed away. Bad Andy was one of my last from the bar, and I loved him dearly. he was riding his motorcycle when an old woman ran a red light and hit him going about 65mph. He lost blood flow and oxygen in his brain, had fluid around his heart, lost a leg, crushed his other, and his stomach was ripped open, yet he didn’t die right away. He was on life support for a few days when his brain stem began deteriorating and finally, he was declared brain dead. His family donated his organs and his funeral will be next Saturday. His wake will be at the bar, and yes, I am going. I will also be scheduling his tattoo to go underneath Ted and Larry’s as well because he was one of the ones who earned a spot on my shoulder. He was one of my loves.
Andy watching Ted play guitar at the bar one Saturday morning. This has become my favorite picture in the world. I miss them both so much. Those two men loved me unconditionally and never turned away from me. They were always there for me no matter what, and now they are gone. I don’t have anyone else like that left.
I’m also positive I have skin cancer on my shoulder. This weird thing popped up about a month ago and started off very small but has tripled in size in such a short amount of time. It won’t pop, won’t pull off and hurts like hell. It’s disgusting. I wasn’t worried about it because I have an appointment with my dermatologist on the 27th, but they will just look at it and maybe biopsy it, right? And reschedule a time to remove it. No big deal. But then, two days ago, I had to renew my food stamps and when I did, the asshole who did it denied my Medicaid because I made three dollars too much, so now my insurance is gone at the end of the month. I am just now getting to where I feel human!
I am just now getting to where I feel human! My mental state is beginning to level out, my fibromyalgia is tolerable, and after two years of suffering and hurting, they wait until I feel better and then take it away from me. Over less money than a gallon of milk costs. I will appeal it as soon as my denial letter comes, and I hope and pray my appeal works. I am so sick, I need my Medicaid. I am so poor too that I desperately need it. I keep thinking this can’t all be happening all at once again. It feels like January of 2015 (which you can read of about in my other blog Living with Pain but Living) or July and August of 2015 (which you can find at the very beginning of this blog. You’ll want to start there and read till now.) Will it ever get better or will I go through this kind of ‘when it rains it pours’ bullshit forever? How am I supposed to heal mentally when this keeps happening? Why can’t it just be on thing at a time? Why does fucking everything have to fall apart?
I told my sister (yes, she’s been back) that I see my life not as chapters in a book, but as a comfortable blanket. I get attached to this blanket but after a while, the edges begin to fray. As the edges begin to fray, instead of repairing it, I just start pulling at it and fucking with it because I’m Borderline, and that is what I do. I pick at scabs. After a while, those edges start to come undone and they unravel, and soon I’m left with nothing but a bunch of string. I don’t know how to sew, so I have to find a new blanket. But I don’t like new blankets because they are uncomfortable and smell funny, but eventually, I get used to it and the cycle begins again. This is the point in the cycle where I find a new blanket because I didn’t find one when everything happened last year. I stubbornly held on to my string, hoping things would fall back into place, but they aren’t going to. I’m losing the few who stuck by me, so it is all coming full circle. It’s time to let go of the string and take the new blanket already. It’s over. That part of my life is over and the person I was is no longer here. She died last year and she will never be back because those people poisoned her with their abuse. It’s really sad because I was such a sweet, giving, loving person too. now I’m none of those things because those things are not safe.
That part of my life is over and the person I was is no longer here. She died last year and she will never be back because those people poisoned her with their abuse. It’s really sad because I was such a sweet, giving, loving person too. Now, I’m none of those things because those things are no longer safe. I feel like the wake will be interesting at best. I haven’t seen these people in exactly one year. Or even talked to them. We shall see how they receive me. I know it seems fucked up to say this considering it’s Andy’s wake, but these people will only use it as an excuse to get drunk and act like a bunch of stupid assholes. I don’t drink at all, so I’ll get to observe said people get drunk and act like stupid assholes, and they will talk shit about me, and uh oh! Tara isn’t afraid of them anymore. It could go well or it could go the opposite. We will just have to wait and see. I’ll update next weekend.
Wish me luck on the Medicaid thing, I really need good vibes. It’s so important that I get it back!
Bad Andy is next. I’m still debating on what symbol to give him. Ted loved playing guitar and singing so I gave him music notes, Larry’s nickname was Rocketman and his fave colors were red and orange, so he got a red and orange rocket, Bad Andy liked to put his beard over his face and hold it in place with sunglasses, so I may see if my artist can do a caricature of that somehow. Sometimes I’d even get him to wear my rainbow gloves. LOL I miss my boys. 😦
Well, I failed miserably at the show your feelings crap. I see my therapist at 9am today, and there was not one day I was able to constructively show my feelings without covering them up with anger or fake happiness. I am a bit disappointed in myself, but I feel that this is to be expected, honestly. I mean, I have covered my feelings with defense mechanisms as far back as I can remember, so pinpointing the true emotions that lie underneath the anger and fake happiness is next to impossible for me. For now. I think I eventually will develop this ability, but right now, that is far too challenging to me.
Seeing my sister brought back some old hatreds I thought I was mostly over. Bar hatreds. Of course, we talked about it because that is what ripped our relationship to shreds to begin with, but where I thought I was over it, I became angrier and angrier. Especially anything regarding Cindy. I seem to be cool with anything else, just not her. I really do hope karma comes back on her tenfold. That wouldn’t even be enough for what she put us through for her stupid ass ‘revenge.’ Okay, I’m getting pissed again, and it’s only 4:30am, so I’ll stop here. I do not want to start my day with thoughts of that ugly (inside and out) crackwhore.
I have not seen my sister, soul mate, bff, whatever you want to call her in almost a year. I’ve written about her numerous times, she seems to be one of the only things aside from Ted (who died a year and a half ago) that I can actually shed tears over. She came over yesterday. We talked for like 5 hours I think, and we finally caught up on everything. It was how it was supposed to be; no subject was forbidden, we didn’t have to censor our comments or walk on eggshells, it was total comfort. I was worried at first. She and I have never fought. In the 12 years we have been together, we’ve never fought, and to not speak to each other for the better part of a year is just insanity. Especially over a lying cuntbag like Cindy. I hate her so much, but my sister is back, we are together, and Cindy didn’t win shit in the long run, so fuck her. And that is how I feel on that subject. I now have to get ready for the eye doctor. 🙂